The Precarious Balance of Mentorship

The teeter-totter was one of my favorite playground activities as a kid. Finding just the right position on the beam, opposite my counterpart, to be suspended together in midair, hanging in the balance between earth and sky. The space of possibility. As I grew older I realized a lot of things depend on this careful balance to survive– cooking, glassblowing, sleep, exercise…you name it. Many endeavors require “just enough of this” and “not too much of that” before the whole thing can go south. The same is true for mentoring young people. Lately, I’ve been engrossed in the book, “10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People” by David Yeager. In this book, he explores how insights from brain science can help anyone in a position of power better understand and support young people by recognizing the impact of three distinct mentor mindsets: The Enforcer, The Protector, and The Mentor. By recognizing these different approaches, adults can more effectively meet young people's needs and positively influence their growth.

When reflecting on my teaching career, I can recognize moments when I embodied all three mentor archetypes. However, my growth and effectiveness as an educator ultimately depended on my ability to adapt The Mentor mindset. Honestly, I was raised by two of these parental prototypes, who modeled opposite ends of this spectrum—my strict, no-nonsense stepmother reflected “The Enforcer,” while my nurturing, protective bio mother embodied “The Protector.” So, as a teacher, it was natural to fall into these familiar roles because this is what was modeled for me. It was a lot more challenging to find the middle, sweet spot of The Mentor mindset, which requires deeper self-awareness, intentional practice, and ongoing reflection.

The Enforcer comes at you from a position of power. It’s the “Do as I say, or else” authoritarian approach that uses fear to dictate the actions of its subordinates. It’s also a deficit model where we see young people, teens in particular, as inherently deficient and incompetent. They are blank slates to be shaped and modeled by their all-knowing superiors. We’ve all seen this “listen and obey” model in classrooms with teachers who yell at their students to gain control. These teachers often use grades punitively and for compliance. I’ll have to admit, it's an enticing tactic, when, as a stressed out teacher, you witness a room full of rowdy teens go completely silent at the declaration of a pop quiz. Yeager describes this model of mentorship as having high expectations/low support where blaming, shaming and humiliating kids is used to foster obedience. This is a dangerous strategy when we consider child development because from a neuroscientific standpoint social humiliation equates to death for a burgeoning adult. If you were kicked out of the tribe in the old days, you have little chance of survival. Sadly, that’s why this fear-based tactic works all too well. Because teens need to belong to survive. 

This top-down style of leadership might motivate young people in the short term—prompting them to study for a test or tidy up their room—but the long-term negative effects can leave a lasting impact. We’ve all heard the wisdom from our sage teacher, Maya Angelou, “...people will forget what you said…forget what you did, but…will never forget how you made them feel.” An Enforcer may succeed in maintaining order in the classroom, but at what cost? Students might comply in the short term, but they’re likely to develop a dislike for the subject, quickly forget the material they memorized, and steer clear of any future paths that involve those skills. I know. I speak from experience. To this day I hate chopping vegetables because I grew up in a household where, as a sous chef to the head gourmet chef, I had to cut those carrots to precision or else…No thank you, I’d rather microwave a burrito.

On the other hand, Yeager details The Protector mindset. This style of mentorship is more of a permissive approach, whereby well-meaning adults treat young people as fragile, vulnerable beings, and aim to shield them from discomfort at all costs. It’s the boss who tiptoes around giving critical feedback. It’s the new teacher who just wants to be liked by the kids. It’s the parent who believes the world is cruel enough, so here, “Let me help you. Better yet, let me do it for you!” mindset. The inverse of The Protector, in this case we have low standards/high support. With this soft approach, even the most well-meaning, caring adult cannot inspire growth or motivate students to face their greatness challenges. The appropriate adage in this scenario is, "the road to hell is paved with good intentions.” Because, why would I try hard if I knew someone else will pick up the pieces? Why would I be proud of something I put little effort into creating? Why would I do my laundry if my mom just does it for me? Sure, these types of parents and teachers are fun and warm and inviting, and you’ll typically see the students lingering longer in these classrooms because there are no real rules or expectations. But, what happens when this student wants to strike out on their own? Will they be able to think for themself? Have the right mental tools to weather adversity? The perseverance and grit to learn through failure? Or, will they just give up and hope someone else will come to their rescue?  When The Protector prematurely rushes in to save us, we learn that we are not capable of greatness on our own. We lose our inner compass and self trust necessary to face life's hardest challenges. I mean, who doesn’t want their mom to keep doing their laundry well into adulthood?
 
This is where we land at The Mentor Mindset- a teetering balance between The Protector and The Enforcer. The sweet spot. The space between heaven and earth. The precarious balance between freedom and control. A Mentor Mindset is one that sees young people having unique perspectives, inherent assets and strengths, and passions of their own accord. This mentor provides high expectations/high support and collaboratively seeks ways to inspire young people to contribute their gifts to society. This relationship is built on trust, transparency and mutual support. There are opportunities to learn and grow without fear of criticism (the Enforcer) or a lack of standards (the Protector). The Mentor Mindset ascribes to what Yeager calls Theory Y, where young people are seen as not inherently lazy, selfish or driven by reward or punishment, but rather they are motivated by Maslow’s higher-needs, like social connection, social status/prestige, and meaning/purpose. This style of mentorship requires deep listening, the use of “We” language (I’m on this journey with you!)-- Model, Coach, and Care. 
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Just like that playground teeter-totter, a true mentorship is a back and forth. If the person on one side leans too far in, the person on the other side must adjust and scoot back.  If one person carries all the weight, the other person is left suspended in the air, or stuck, planted on the ground. It’s the mutual engagement that keeps both sides supported– a careful dance of connection, staying in tune with each other’s movements because true connection comes from that shared rhythm. Mentorship requires balance, presence, and mutual effort for everyone to stay steady and inspired.

Check out this interview with David Yeager on The Huberman Lab podcast.

Buy his book, “10 to 25: The Science of Motivating Young People”